Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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