So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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