she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize