My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
did you just send me my own nude
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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