Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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