I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
