Me. At least after what I've been through.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
