i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
