why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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