Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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