why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
