He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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