i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
