Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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