Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so let's talk penis.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
