i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
