i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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