fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
