i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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