Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
