DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
