If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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