Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
