If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
