Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize