Quick, to the slutcave!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
