put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
