His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i now understand why vodka
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
