Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I pour the whiskey from now on
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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