I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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