Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
