Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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