No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
