onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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