i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
