and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He passed out mid-signature
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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