Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
