is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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