I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
