How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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