I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
