A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
