My liver just broke up with me...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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