just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
