dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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