the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize