Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
