where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
