i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
