I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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