I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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