Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
