dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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