you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
