just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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