Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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