One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
