if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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