And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
