They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
