On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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