I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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