I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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